From Frumpy to Fabulous
Tuesday, December 12th, 2006
Remember Joey from Dawson’s Creek, the girl with the droopy eyes, pudgy nose and all of the sex appeal of a basset hound? She found a new job as a beard true love with Tom Cruise, who changed her name to “Kate” to make her seem more mature. Like any good homo metro sexual, Tom gave Kate a head-to-toe makeover that would put the Fab 5 to shame. She traded in her Dawson’s Creek high school wardrobe of tank tops and baggy jeans for a new, sleek, high fashion look. She started hanging out with Posh Spice and Carl Lagerfeld and wearing Marc Jacobs and Prada. The next thing you know, Katie has morphed into a sleeker version of herself. While people may question why Ken Paves, Jessica Simpson’s mane man, took her baby hairs and gelled them down onto her head like miniature bangs, her wedding dress by Armani was truly gorgeous. She now dresses very demure, like Nicole Kidman did when she was married to Tom, but in a high-fashion way. She was dressed to the nines as a high fashion mom-to-be. Now that Suri has arrived (from Zenu perhaps?) Katie is sporting a much more sophisticated and grown up look. Katie’s hot new look is the best thing to come out of the whole Tomkat fiasco.
What is the opposite of a coming out party? Try a coming IN party. Tomkat is throwing an LA bash to celebrate their Italian wedding stateside. Oprah wasn’t invited to this wedding party, just like she was snubbed at his Italian wedding last month. Could it have something to do with his couch-jumping antics that rang the death knell of his career? When Tomkat jumped the couch, it started a media firestorm, inspiring the 
Southpark’s Trapped in the Closet episode was nominated for an Emmy. The once-aired episode will never air again because Tom Cruise used his influence at Viacom to censor the show. People are outraged by the Emmy nod because the Emmy should go to Tom Cruise himself for trying to act hetero. He jumped the couch, killed Oprah, proclaimed he had “spectacular” sex with Plain Jane Katie Holmes (when Katie has all of the beauty and charm of a wet noodle) and went postal on glib Matt Lauer and irresponsible Brooke Shields. Why wasn’t Tom Cruise nominated for his emmy-worthy performance of best homo in a hetero performance? Oh right, Tom Cruise kind of sucks at that.
The first picture is a parody. The second and third are Suri Cruise. She has no eyelids. She looks Asian. She has Asian hair. All of these people saying she is the most beautiful baby they’ve ever seen are planted by Tomkat’s pr machine. To say she is even mildly attractive is a stretch. She is certainly not a cute baby. She is even more certainly not Tom Cruise’s baby.
Angelina Jolie gave birth the the most gorgeous baby on the planet in Namibia. Proud poppa Brad Pitt and homewrecker Angelina Jolie named the girl Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. This seems in keeping with the biblical baby name trend has been sweeping Hollywood with Moses (Paltrow-Martin) and Suri (Holmes-Ron Hubbard). Shiloh is the portable shrine that Moses built in the bible. Isn’t she just precious?
How come we haven’t seen any pictures of Suri Cruise? Possible Reasons Include:
Desperate Housewives star Marcia Cross tied the knot this weekend. This is the first marriage for Cross, age 44. The fairytale romance started after rumors swirlled that Cross was a lesbian and was about to come out of the closet. News reports indicated that Cross is dating another sitcom star, possibly Lauren Graham from Gillmore Girls. Cross swiftly went on the View to deny she was gay. This was followed by numerous photo ops “canoodling” with her new merkin boyfriend. And before you can say Tomcat, she was engaged. A whirlwind romance like this hasn’t been seen since David and Liza, Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie, and Helen Hunt Hank Azaria.
Tomkat called Brangelina to congratulate them on the birth of the most beautiful baby in the world and to invite Ange to accept a humanitarian award at the Scientology center. In related news, Brad and Ange are now regularly screening their calls. Jenna Elfman and husband Who’s he? Bodhi confronted indie film director John Roecker, who was wearing a ”Scientology is Gay, Very Gay” t-shirt depicting Tom Cruiseazy and Travolta. It is ironic because scientology thinks that gay people are perverts who are dangerous to society, yet its two most famous members are seen by some people as gayer then Amanda Lepore. A recent episode of South Park about Scientology depicted Tom Cruise literally locking himself in the closet refusing to “come out” despite pleadings from various people. Then Travolta tries to persuade Cruise to come out of the closet, but eventually goes in and joins him in the closet. The episode ends with Tom Cruise threatening to sue everyone in England. Incidentally, England was the place where Liberace won the lawsuit that he was not gay, so the law is a little different across the pond. The episode will never air again because of real legal threats from Tom Cruise.
Extra is reporting that Tomkat has signed a $33 million pre-nup where Katie gets $3 million per year for the first 11 years she is married to Tom Cruise, plus his house in Montecito, complete with glass closets. If Tomkat’s wedded bliss exceeds 11 years, California community property law takes over and she gets half of Tom’s $400 million fortune. Its amazing that they even got a prenup. Their love seems so genuine. Fans remember when Tom came out on a talk show queen’s popular show and jumped the couch over his extremely heterosexual relationship with Katie.
Tom Cruise made Katie Holmes change her name from Katie to “Kate.” Wouldn’t changing Katie’s name to “Beard” be more apropos? Tom said “Katie is a young girl’s name. Her name is Kate now she’s a child-bearing woman.” 
Three Men and an Alien Baby starring Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Rob Thomas, Alien Baby Suri and “Kate” Holmes, with her best Kirstie Alley-esque snarl.
Tom Cruise-azy horrifies a very glib BET audience by attempting to dance. This proves the old adage, ”just because you are Scientology buddies with Travola doesn’t mean you know how to dance.” Mission Impossible III opened on Friday with a lackluster $17 million dollar opening box office. The only reason it sold any tickets is because having a live baby as a publicity stunt is the best pr ever.
